


Oh, You're In The Army Now

by hgiel



Category: Ak Dong Club, H.O.T., K-pop, NRG, Political RPF, Taesaja
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 14:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hgiel/pseuds/hgiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>South Korea uses the greatest weapon of all to fight the North: boy bands</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I don’t want you to think Im doing this because I want to. This isn’t my choice. I know you are too young to understand...but one day you’ll know why Im in this position. I love you, I really do, and I want what’s best for you. I don’t want to leave you like this Yoo Min, but I have to.”

Inside his house, Chang Ryul heard the door bell. Opening it, he saw Sung Jin running full speed down the street.  
“Sung Jin? SUNG JIN?” Chang Ryul yelled after him. Stepping forward, he tripped over something.  
It was Yoo Min with a note pinned to his shirt.  
“Yoo Min?” Chang Ryul snatched the note off of him and read out loud. “Hyung, back in 2 years, going into the army, take care of Yoo Min Ah. From, Lee Sung Jun...........”  
By the time he was finished reading, Sung Jin was out of sight.  
“SUNG JIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“General Lee.” The lieutenant saluted as he came into the office.  
“Please sit down lieutenant. There is something I need to discuss with you....” General Lee Young Shik folded his hands and looked across the desk at the younger man a bit helplessly. “Recently the boom of gassoo entering the military has taken a tole on our resources. Never before has the army spent so much money on toiletries and food products. Everything has to be soy based and vegetarian. Furthermore, the general tone of the men has changed. Before our men were blood thirsty and anxious for action, now...” He gestured, at a loss for words. “Everyone is so dreamy, and they keep talking about their feelings....Lieutenant, if this goes on, not only will the army go bankrupt but the North might take note of this weakness....If they were to attack now, there would be no way to stop them.”  
“General, what do you want me to do?” Lieutenant Kim asked pleadingly, now in a state of terror.  
“Lieutenant, I want you to whip those boys into shape, make them men. The future of South Korea is in your hands.”

“Lee Soo Man! Lee Soo Man!” Cried an intern, running into Lee Soo Man’s office.  
“What is it?!” Soo Man demanded.  
“An officer is here to see you. Officer Jang.”  
“What for?!”  
“I don’t know, I-“  
”Mr Lee, good to see you.” Said the officer, coming into the office. “Your secretary let me in, reluctantly, I might add. May I sit down?”  
“Please.” Soo Man said, a little put out. He motioned for the intern to leave, and he quickly did.  
When they were alone, the officer began. “You are in a lot of trouble Mr. Lee, do you know that? We’ve been doing an investigation on you-”  
“Stop right there.” Soo Man said, his voice sharp as a whip. “If you think you can threaten me, you are out of your fucking mind. You may think you have dirt on me, but you cant do a damn thing about it. If Im out of business, then South Korea is out of business. I fuel this economy, I started this Korean fucking wave, and without me, our only export would be taekwondo!”  
“I think you are living in the past Mr Lee. At this point, your label is near the hole and your hold on stations, publications, and public figures are thin.”  
Soo Man’s eyes flared “You don’t scare me officer Jang, and Im not even the CEO, so you are barking up the wrong tree.”  
“Kim Young Min? Yes, Im well aware he’s the CEO Mr. Lee. He’s been arrested.”  
“ARRESTED?!”  
“You didn’t know? Guess your sources aren’t as reliable as you thought. He’s sold you out Mr. Lee, not like we needed his confession or anything. We have enough evidence to put you away for a long time. You are under arrest Mr. Lee.”

“Attention!” Lieutenant Kim called into the mic, standing before a herd of gassoo in camouflage uniform.  
The mass kept talking, and randomly singing...or dancing.  
“I SAID LISTEN THE FUCK UP!” He screamed, silencing them to a tolerable amount. “Things are about to change. You thought life was hard before? You have no idea. This is the ARMY you faggots! Its time for you to become men. Welcome to your two years of hell gentleman. Men will be passing by with baskets, you will need to empty your pockets, and for some of you, hand bags, into them. This means, no cell phones, pagers, hair spray, lip liner-“  
”YOU MONSTER, YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO US!” Screamed a smaller boy, in emo glasses.  
“PRIVATE LEE IN HO, CONTROL YOURSELF!”  
“ITS UBIN TO YOU-YOU-YOU NAZI! EVERYONE, RIOT!” He screamed and the mass of entertainers began to slap fight each other.

UBin whimpered as Private Im Desuk applied medication to the scratches on his face. Desuk being the only one left in the medic center, because everyone else had gone to that gassoo line up.  
“How did this happen?” Desuk asked.  
“I was stuck in the cross fire...” Ubin cried. “Didn’t you go to that meeting? You are a singer too.”  
Desuk’s jaw clenched, “They said I didn’t count. In fact, how did you get in?”  
“HEY-“ Ubin was cut off.  
Someone ran in and slammed the door shut behind him. “Its like Armageddon out there!” He cried.  
“MOON HEE JUN!” Ubin squealed. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” He ran to him and tried as best he could to wrap his arms around him. “I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO SONG FOR LADY!”  
Hee Jun ignored him, and reaching into his pocket, took out a Snickers bar. “They tried to frisk me. This is going to be the worst two months of my life...”  
“Its two years.” Desuk corrected.  
“....” Hee Jun got another Snickers. “Then lets hope diabetes kicks in.”

“Try as hard as you can...What’s Sung Hoon’s phone number?” Chang Ryul begged Yoo Min. He needed to pawn this kid off on someone...  
“I don’t remember...” He got a disbelieving stare. “I really don’t!” He said, mid drink from his juice box, spraying apple juice on Chang Ryul.  
The tv caught his attention, so before Chang Ryul could yell at Yoo Min, he was turning up the volume.  
Lee Soo Man being pulled into a cop car, screaming at the top of his lungs. “-Soo Man is expected to get a life sentence. Furthermore, share holders have sold their shares of SM Town. The company is bankrupt and all the bands have disbanded.” File photos of artists still with SM Town scrolled across the screen with their names on them. Kang Ta, BoA, DBSG, Super Junior, Black Beat (with a question mark in place of their band name), ect.  
“First everyone goes into the army, and now SM Town is gone? Maybe I should make a new album...”  
“I remember now!” Yoo Min said in regards to the number. “Sung Jin said,”  
“Ya?” Chang Ryul leaned forward expectantly.  
“Sung Hoon is in America, so you have to dile 001-002-1.”  
Chang Ryul handed Yoo Min his cell phone. “Start with 111-1111. Let me know when you’ve reached him.”


	2. Chapter 2

Lieutenant Kim eyed the stragglers as they attempted to run the mile he had set for their goal. Never before had he seen men run so slowly... Some of the ShinHwa members had finished the run in record time, but their congratulatory open mouthed kisses were off putting. All that were left was the over weight one and the little one with glasses.  
The two ran equally slowly, and would stop often to sit or check their nails. No matter who berated them with insults, they didn’t run any faster. No matter what deterrents from stopping that was forced upon them, they wouldn’t stop from the frequent breaks. In fact, when they had turned the hose on the two, the small one, Private Lee In Ho, acted as if he was in an erotic shampoo commercial...  
Finally, they crossed the finish line.  
“Well, you are the last ones.” Lieutenant Kim said in his most warning of voices.  
“That was crazy.” Ubin cried.  
“My whole body is cramped...” Hee Jun added. “And Im starving now...”  
“That mile work you down to your second stomach?” The look the two of them gave him actually made him feel embarrassed for making a cow joke. “Listen you two faggots.” He said, shaking off the self consciousness. “You are here to protect your country God damn it.”  
“God damn the country?” Ubin asked.  
“And all you can do is bitch and moan?! You need to be MEN. You need to toughen up. Do you understand we’re at war?!”  
“Honestly, I don’t know what running a mile is going to do for us.” Hee Jun said. “It isn’t as if Kim Jung Il is going to see us running laps across the border and say to himself ‘Those South Koreans sure have stamina. You know, this war is silly, what I really need to do, is think more of my health, I think Ill put on some Nike’s and join them, put an end to this war business.’”  
“.......Go run another five miles.”

Desuk drew the line at the mid-thigh. Hee Jun insisted that he needed to be treated medically by a massage, but Desuk would be damned if he was going to touch anymore man cellulite.  
“How can they even do this to us?! Someone needs to tell the people, call the news, inform them of this brutal treatment!!!” Hee Jun cried, still face down on a cot.  
“I need another band aid.” Ubin said, eyeing a discoloration on his arm.  
“Bruises don’t NEED band aids.” Desuk insisted, but got yet another band aid for him. What did it matter anyway? He wouldn’t be paying for supplies. If the army was an office, he would be jacking their printers. Hell, he would be taking anything that wasn’t nailed down.  
The first wave of gassoo coming in after the mile run was more then Desuk could handle with such little help. From the actors, to pop singers, to just TV personalities, they were all in tears. Slowly though, they stifled their tears and started taking treatments, and life in general, a little better. It was odd...like watching boys become men in a matter of hours. His last two, not so much though.  
“We should just kill ourselves, that will show them.” Ubin suggested. His emo glasses effecting his disposition.  
“You two!” Someone thundered. He was another lieutenant, when he came in was beyond Desuk. “You need to be out on the field for war games!”  
“I would rather blow my brains out!” Ubin cried.  
“Guns are on the field.”

“Don’t leave this spot, understand?”  
“Yep.”  
“And don’t talk to strangers.”  
“Okay.”  
“And if you DO move, and you get yourself lost, stay where you are or ask someone to bring you back to me.”  
“I got it!” Yoo Min insisted.  
Chang Ryul had prepared a few songs in the matter of days, and even though he didn’t have an album prepared, shows were desperate for performers, so they agreed to let him on. It was odd not seeing younger stars around. Those of age were in the military, and the younger ones had mostly disbanded, if they weren’t touring in Japan or China. In fact, on the drive over, he had seen one of the DBSG members giving hand jobs on a street corner.  
The door opening tore Chang Ryul’s attention away from Hong Kyung Min’s performance on the monitor, he had also done an over night come back. A group of like dressed young men came in. Five of them, and they looked an awful lot like...  
“A boy band?” He hadn’t meant it to be said out loud, but the men took it as a greeting, and the five of them turned to greet him.  
“We’re Pyong Yang.” One said.  
“I’ve never heard of you...” Chang Ryul admitted.  
“We just debuted.”  
“We’re from North Korea.”  
“N-North Korea?!” Chang Ryul coughed.  
“Im Hana.”  
“Im Dul.”  
“Im Set.”  
“Im Net.”  
“Im Kim Young Min.” Said the last.  
“Weren’t you in Taesaja?” Chang Ryul asked.  
“Be cool man.” Young Min said, covering his mouth from his band mates. “Im trying to make a come back.”

It was convenient that General Lee had called Lieutenant Kim into his office, he had great news. The stars put under his care had actually made an unbelievable turn around in just a few short weeks. Pop idols succumbed to mind control incredibly quickly. Men who had cared for nothing but their hair now could shoot a man between the eyes from over a hundred feet away. Men who had come into the army wetting their bed each night could dis-assemble and re-assemble a riffle in under thirty seconds. Lieutenant Kim had turned all those pussies around.  
Other then the fat one and the little one in glasses.  
“Sir.” He said, bowing sharply as he came into General Lee’s office.  
“Sit down, please.”  
“Sir, I think you will be happy to know that the gassoo-“  
”I know.” He cut the lieutenant off. “That’s the problem.” He stopped to rub his chin before he went on. “We’ve been out smarted... We’ve been at war for years, in a dead lock for what seems like forever. Never did I think war could become any more sophisticated.”  
“Do the North Koreans have a new weapon? Atomic weapons?” Lieutenant Kim asked, becoming more and more uneasy about where this conversation was heading.  
“Atomic, no, but a new weapon none the less. We should have known earlier, we should have thought of it ourselves...”  
“Sir?”  
“Bombs and guns can kill people, millions of people, they can even wipe out a country if put to such means. But do you know what’s more detrimental? Culture. We send our men to war and they get killed, but we let our kids be immersed in an idol based culture and they grow up to lead our country to ruins..”  
“I don’t understand sir...”  
“The North Koreans have sent boy bands into our country, lieutenant.”  
For a moment, Lieutenant Kim thought he was joking, but soon he realized this was no joke. “How can that matter?”  
“These idols will become the object of our children’s attention and admiration. They will emulate them in every way possible...their loyalty to North Korea included. It may seem like nothing now, but these children will grow up to lead our country. Nothing will stop them from bending over for North Korea. We will be become one country, under North Korea’s direction.”  
“Do you really think our youth is so easily led?”  
“With such catchy tunes as Snow Prince, who’s telling how long it takes before we’re all humming along to ‘Dismantle the South Korean Establishment’?”  
“My God...What do we do sir?”  
“Turn those men back into butt pirates and get them back on our stages!”


	3. Chapter 3

Lieutenant Kim had been good, too good. All the work he had done on making the gassoo into men was irreversible. Whoever said you couldn’t cure being gay was wrong. The cure was the threat of communism. At least, that was the turning point for all but three singers. So, unfortunately, they were all that was left to save The Republic of Korea...  
“Genlemen...” General Lee said, looking from Desuk, to Ubin, and then to Moon Hee Jun. “Do you understand how important your mission is?”  
Lieutenant Kim’s stomach tightened as he looked on from the back of the room.  
Important? This was more then important, and it was left up to a nurse maid, a fairy, and an obese pop rocker...  
“Im Moon Hee Jun. I was the leader of H.O.T., my music saved a generation once General, this will be no problem.”  
“You aren’t the beloved figure you use to be Mr Moon.” General Lee said. “I don’t know if I would be so sure of myself If I were you. My faith must be in you three, but Im not so trusting that Ill let you run the show. I wont send men into war without weapons and I wont be sending boy bands on stage without a game plan.”  
“Sir?” Lieutenant Kim asked.  
“Lieutenant, I want you to set up a meeting with Lee Soo Man and I.”  
“He’s been arrested though.” The Lieutenant said, trying to keep the apprehension out of his voice.  
“I want a private meeting with him, and I want it to be in my office. ASAP.”

The officers agreed to leave the two men alone, but not before Lee Soo Man was handcuffed to the chair. General Lee insisted they would be fine, and reluctantly, they were left unguarded. The General really couldn’t see the fuss, Mr Lee’s charges were purely blue color, and he hadn’t made a peep since they entered General Lee’s office.  
“Mr. Lee.” General Lee greeted, seating himself.  
“General.” Lee Soo Man nodded his head.  
“Im going to cut to the chase Mr. Lee. I am willing to make you an offer.”  
Lee Soo Man’s only reply was a raised eye brow.  
“Your charges are quite serious, and the projected sentence quite long. You aren’t a young man anymore Mr. Lee, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in prison.” It wasn’t a question. “Im willing to pull some strings in the up coming trial if you’ll agree to serve your country.”  
“What are you getting at General?”  
“I want you to make three of our men into a boy band, one that anyone from adolescence on will adore and follow like sheep.” General Lee explained.  
Lee Soo Man smiled. It wasn’t the reaction the General was expecting or hoping for at all. “I’ve been told that my business sense has failed me, my company’s bottom has fallen out, why would you trust me with this?”  
General Lee leaned forward. “I think your ego got in the way of your sense Mr. Lee. That is why you have come to this end. My suggestion is to get back to basics. The youth of today is like the youth of any other generation. Socially, intellectually, there maybe differences, yes, but they still want to be used and controlled. You know how to do that. I want the man who made H.O.T., BoA, and ShinHwa to help me. For the sake of your future, can you find that man within yourself again?”  
“You need to get at least two more men. If we’re going back to basics, then we’ll need five members.”  
“Its slim pickings at this point.” General Lee admitted, mostly as a challenge.  
“Give me what you have.”

“We aren’t making our own songs?” Chang Ryul asked.  
“We don’t have time.” Lee Soo Man admonished. “No time to write it, to record it, to practice it, to let it catch on. Most of all, no way to be sure it will be a hit.”  
Moon Hee Jun, Desuk, Ubin, Chang Ryul, and Yoo Min looked over the music sheets they have been given. Lee Soo Man had taken advantage of the small studio the government had allowed him, hanging his old awards and decorating it in a cold and clinical fashion. He had little face left to save, so he was going to hold tight to what pride he still had with style.  
“You will be performing songs well known and adored. This will save us on those time issues, but more importantly, it will enforce patriotism.”  
“What, are we singing the national anthem?” Hee Jun asked sarcastically.  
“No. We’re doing songs like Seo Tai Ji’s Nan Arayo and H.O.T.’s Candy. It will remind people of the music scene their loved, and reminisce. When they do this, it will be memories of the Republic of Korea loving and celebrating these songs together, and North Korea will have no part in it. It will separate us again.”  
Ubin raised his hand. “Why not just play the songs then? Why do we have to perform anything?”  
“The music will only put the wedge into place, you’ll be needed to secure the hearts of the youth. You will be everything they want and need you to be. You WILL be fun, you WILL be loveable, your clothes WILL match, and it WILL be gay. You’ll go shirtless though, Desuk.”  
“Why?!” Desuk demanded.  
“You have the best body out of all five of you, so you’ll be used as a sexual object.”  
“And what about us?” Chang Ryul asked.  
“My advice is for you to use fan service to your advantage.”  
“You want us to be gay?”  
“If the crowd calls for homosexuality, there better be penetration. If they call for blood, you all fight to the death. Am I clear? What becomes of your mind, body, and/or spirit, is of no concern to me or the cause.”  
“Its just like old times.” Hee Jun muttered.

It was a show made off the cuff, named Grand Star Rally, orchestrated by the government and Lee Soo Man, but put in prime time on SBS so even Pyong Yang couldn’t pass on the booking. A live crowd, filled with girls waving balloons.  
The booming voice over the mic announced “Introducing POD.”  
And the newly formed band performed while the girls cheered on their favorite songs. Afterward, Pyong Yang performed and the girls cheered on their favorite bodies.  
“Amazing!” Cried the host, joining the two bands on stage. “We’re lucky to have such great talent on one stage! What do you think?” He asked the sea of youth.  
“Pyong Yang! Pyong Yang!” The sea called back.  
“Yes, the newest faces on the scene, Pyong Yang! Tell us, what is it you would like to say to your fans?”  
“Thank you for supporting us.” The five said in sync and got a more then warm response.  
“And POD?”  
Yoo Min waved, and the rest of the responses were muffled over each other, everyone’s but Moon Hee Jun’s.  
“STOP CHEERING FOR THOSE COMMUNISTS! DON’T YOU HAVE ANY SENSE?!” Chang Ryul grabbed his arm in admonishment, but Hee Jun shrugged him off. “YOU WANT TO BE NORTH KOREAN SO BAD?! YOU WANT YOUR POP IDOLS TO ALL HAVE THE SAME UGLY HAIR CUT? YOU WANT TO NOT HAVE THE INTERNET?!”  
“Shut up!” Young Min yelled back. “You are just being desperate, you know there is already a band called POD?!”  
“There is another band called Pride of Democracy?” Yoo Min asked.  
“YOU shut up! You are South Korean, what the hell are you doing?! HE’S SOUTH KOREAN!” Hee Jun screamed into the crowd. “Do none of you know him? NO, THAT’S RIGHT, NO ONE LISTENED TO TAESAJA!”  
Young Min went to lunge at Hee Jun, but the host held him back.  
“You are all walking into a trap!” Hee Jun announced. “You are being used!”  
“You are one to talk! You think playing some out dated songs will save your country?!” Young Min demanded.  
“Enough!” A young women screamed from the front row. When the two men stopped screaming, she took it as an invitation and scrambled on stage. “You,” She turned to Hee Jun, “You underestimate the youth of the nation you have so much pride in. People think because we are young and impressionable, we’re like cattle with bank accounts. We don’t eat everything you spoon feed us, we do go along with the fads, but for a fad to catch on it has to be accepted on some level. You can’t keep giving us the bare minimum and be shocked when we fixate on the first new thing to come along in years!”  
“And you!” She turned to Young Min. “No matter how good looking, no guy will get young women to give up what rights they have. We may have no sense of country pride, but we have great pride in free commerce and freedom of expression.”  
“Both of you need to smarted up and realize you are playing into the governments hands more then us fan girls are. WE are the ones who really control the world, am I right?” She asked the crowd, who cheered back.  
Moon Hee Jun and Young Min looked passed the girl at each other and seemed to come to an agreement with their gazes alone.  
“North and South Korea are never going to be one country again, the best we can hope for is friendly trade.” Young Min admitted.  
“We’ll just have to hope that loyalty of our fans keeps selling our albums.” Hee Jun said.  
“And that our good looks and fan service will coast us into the status that you all have, then we can let ourselves go, and depend on loyalty as well.” Young Min agreed.  
“You are all missing my point!” The young women yelled.  
“Who wants us to perform Candy again?” Hee Jun asked the audience, and they cheered. “Alright!” He shooed the women off the stage. “Let the adults do their job now, go on.”


End file.
